A Day at the Shore

You all know how much stress our family has been under this year (if not, see my last blog about everything that has happened in 2008). Well, this past weekend all the stress caught up to me and I was at the breaking point…at the edge looking over. I had totally lost control of my mind, body, and mouth, and things got out of hand. After an excruciatingly painful fight, my husband agreed that I needed to get away (my point to begin with, but who is keeping score?). He booked me 2 nights at the Northwood Inn, a bed and breakfast on the Jersey Shore. Through sobbing eyes, I stared blankly at the road ahead of me as the miles ticked past. I made it to the inn around 6 p.m. Thank God my support system (Mom, Dad, Clare, and Lauren) were available to talk and offer encouragement. The innkeeper mumbled a few house rules and then I carried my heavy little bag up three steep flights of stairs. I could barely carry myself at that point. I opened the door, found the bed, and collapsed.

That night was a blur, but I do remember soaking in the Jacuzzi tub twice before climbing into bed and closing my swollen eyes. I woke up at 2 and 5 a.m., my body clock set to the baby’s feeding times, but I blissfully went right back to sleep. I forced myself to get up at 9 to take advantage of the free homemade breakfast, which was delicious. After loving on the inn mascot, Harry the Poodle, I crawled back to bed until noon. Feeling almost human again, I walked to the beach and strolled down the boardwalk for a few hours, keenly aware of all the young families with their colorful strollers and their laughing children. They were having the family vacation I so longed for…time together away from the daily grind…time to have fun…time to feel frisky and romantic again, not like an old stale mom in a spit-up stained T-shirt. A highlight of the day came at Mack and Mankos Pizza. It was the best slice I ever tasted…just the perfect amount of sauce. While the pizza was incredible, I sat there alone feeling so small, like I wanted to say to everyone, “Hey, I have a family too. I have a husband who loves me and two great little boys at home.” It was like being in a bubble with life circling around you. All day I kept my cell phone in hand, hoping my husband would call and say he missed me, but his ring tone (our wedding song) never played. I thought about calling him hundreds of times, but convinced myself that we needed this day to reflect and to be apart. We needed time to miss each other. I needed time to remember why it is all worth it. I needed time to bring myself back.

After a few hours on the boardwalk, I went back to the inn and took another nap. Gosh, I never get an uninterrupted nap at home. It was heavenly. I was able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and while for only one day, it was undeniably therapeutic. While I was extremely aware of how alone I was feeling, it was that same feeling that healed me. I had the chance to be me again, not just mom or wife or teacher or sister or daughter or friend, but ME. I went back to the beach at sunset and this time I walked in the sand and got my feet wet in the ocean. I took in everything around me, my senses on overdrive…the smell of the salty water, the feel of the sand between my toes, the touch of the breeze on my face, and the sight of a lonely, but beautiful sandcastle. I finished the evening listening to the eclectic mix of music on my iPod… Prince’s “Purple Rain” was strangely like a warm familiar blanket drowning me in the sadness of his electric guitar, Hillsong’s “Shout to the Lord” was a tearjerker that reminded me of how powerful the Lord’s strength can be, Sade’s “No Ordinary Love” was an erotic explosion of yearning for my husband, and finally, Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb” summed up how I was feeling brilliantly. Although the lyrics to this classic tale of depression end with “the dream is gone”, the opposite was happening inside of me…my day at the shore was so much more…it was breathing new life into this tired soul.

So as I left the shore the next morning, I drove away with a rejuvenated spirit and a joyful heart. I was driving home to my husband and my precious babies. While still a bit saddened by the fight that landed me there, I will be forever grateful for my time away. It’s amazing what a day alone can do for you if you really open up and allow yourself to feel the array of emotions, and GET SOME SLEEP! It does wonders for your mind, body, and soul. It also doesn’t hurt if Antonio Banderas is waiting for you in dreamland! Just kidding, honey!

Gotta do diaper duty…with joy!

P.S. To my mother-in-law and father-in-law, a huge thank you goes out to you for being there for us in our time of need. This much needed break would not have been possible without you!